Monday, 14 January 2013

Ailsa's Many Thoughts About Golden Globes Outfits

Awards season, you guys!!! Dresses that cost more money than I will ever earn in my lifetime! Droopy boobs, ugly lipstick, ill chosen shoes! It is all so exciting.

Adele: pretty, but the same thing she always defaults to. Just because she's bigger doesn't mean she always has to wear black and cover up.
Amy Adams: prettyish dress, dreadful non-colour. Boring.
Emily Blunt: almost. The colour seems a bit off. Too yellowy beige?
Helen Mirren: Great shape on her, but I wish the studs didn't go all the way down the sleeves.

Came dressed as a grubby knock off Oscar:
Emily Blunt
Still the Queen: Helen Mirren

Jennifer Garner: gorgeous shade of red, everything else totally standard.
Jessica Alba: super pretty hair and jewellery, dress and bag chosen by a committee of 7 year old girls. Love her lipstick.
Kelly Osbourne: made her dress herself out of old bras.
Amy Poehler black suit: she is PARFAIT. I'd kill for that necklace. Great shoes.
Jessica Chastain: LOVE that beautiful colour but her boobs are melting.

Everybody loves parfait: Amy Poehler
Half melted mint sorbet: Jessica Chastain

Kerry Washington: pretty dress but I wish the lining went down to the hem and it wasn't so colourless.

Lena Dunham: Oh girl. Oh honey no. No. Come to me. Let me dress you. Please. You look twice the size you really are.
Marion Cotillard: Horrid. That shade of orange clashes spectacularly with her skintone.

A big orange cry for help, with dye to
match shoes: Marion Cotillard
This is an aubergine. No wait, it's Lena Dunham

Rachel Weisz: cute until the sheer spotty skirt thing. Wish it had stopped at the bottom of the black section.
Salma Hayek: looks pretty but not exactly comfortable. Not sold on the giant bow, but at least her boobs don't look like they're about to burst from being crammed into her gown for once.
Sofia Vergara: very... shiny. Sad limp teenage Hollister salesgirl hair.
Zooey Deschanel: I could totally be sold on this if she was posing well, but she's not. Stop vamping, Zooey, and bask in your pretty dress. She just looks like she's trying too hard, and this is a look that needs to be worn effortlessly.
Michelle Dockery: LEEEEEERVE. Fierce as tigers.

Classically pretty Oscar de la Renta, but
desperately tense: Zooey Deschanel
I mistook this for an Alexander McQueen,
which is the highest compliment I know:
Michelle Dockery 

Anne Hathaway: very clean and elegant and pretty, but I feel like I've seen this from her ten times before. Needed better jewellery because it's just edging into boring. Her hair looks super soft and nice though.
Clare Danes: dress is nice enough, hair looks rough and half-assed, CRAZY EYES. CLARE DANES THAT EYE MAKE UP IS NOT FOR YOU MY FRIEND.
Debra Messing: extremely awful in every way.
Ariel Winter: I know she's only 14, but... she's not 4.
Emily Deschanel: hate the hair, like everything else.
Hayden Panettiere: wedding cake topper Barbie. Awful. WTF is that clutch and blusher? It's not 1999.
Heidi Klum: it's very... Heidi Klum. This is not to say I like it.
Isla Fischer: dress is pretty, clutch was a horrible choice, make up is very bad.
Jennifer Lawrence: love the belt, it's hard to tell but I think I like the hair, the dress is... not good. At all.
Julianne Hough: don't like the hair or the make up or the dress from the waist down, but it's great from neck to hip.
Katherine McPhee: make up looks GREAT. Dress is quite nice but waay too much in between boob skin showing, it doesn't look classy enough for this.
Kristen Bell: I was going to say this is horrid, but then I saw that she's pregnant, so I will give her kind of a pass but not really. She looks like she has no neck, and she's not really tall enough to have so much embellishment round her shoulders.
Lea Michele: surprisingly pretty dress. She looks like she is genuinely having fun. I really like the relaxed look of her hair and make up, but her shoes are really ugly.

It's a good thing she's pregnant:
Kristen Bell
It's actually quite nice!: Lea Michele

Megan Fox: looks naked, which I guess is probably what she was going for.
Morena Baccarin: way way too much dress for person.
Naomi Watts: beeeeeaaauuutiful colour, everything else a bit uninspiring.
Olivia Munn: eh. She hasn't really figured out how to translate her low key, beachy good looks into formal yet. The black skirt part is brilliantly flattering on her. Looks like a stunning necklace but it does not go with anything else.
Sally Field: hair's a bit of a mess, but everything else is SUPER pretty. Nice rack.
Sarah Hyland: is sporting the dress and hair of a 47 year old.
Tina Fey: her hair looked beyond gorgeous all night.
Taylor Swift: I do not like any of it. But her ass looks great.
Connie Britton: pretty but standard. Too many bracelets.
Amanda Seyfried: at first glance I thought this was a pretty dress, but then I realised it's just that she's pretty and I couldn't see any of the details because it's pale. It's an ugly dress but she looks nice. Like her hair, it's mermaidy.
Eva Longoria: ridiculous. Seriously.
Helena Bonham Carter: hand me that lips purse and your necklace and I won't say another word. Also the shoes, please. And are those sunglasses in your hand? I'll take 'em.
Jennifer Lopez: this is... very JLo. She should probably just retire now, because she will never find another dress that is so very JLo again.
Halle Berry: SO tacky. Totally tasteless. Her hair is hilarious. She stepped right outta 2002.
Juliane Moore: YESSSSS, JULIANNE, YES. ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR HER TO KNOCK IT OUT THE PARK AND SHE FINALLY DID IT. I have never seen her look SO fantastic on a red carpet. You go, beautiful lady!

She made this herself out of scarves on a crystal
healing meditation weekend retreat: Halle Berry
Sharp, clean, striking, flattering and elegant:
Julianne Moore

Kristen Wiig: almost! It's a good dress, but her boobs are sad and her make up is not good and her hair is a gorgeous colour but lacking oomph.
Rosie Huntington Whitely: 100% completely and utterly interest and personality free.
Sienna Miller: this would be an ADOrable day dress if it stopped at the knee, but it's awful as a gown. And she forgot to do her hair and make up after she got out the shower.
Nicole Kidman: I'd love the dress if it weren't for that sheer bit in the middle which is weird and ugly. Her hair and make up are le crap.
Kaley Cuoco: dress is super pretty but also colourless. Bridesmaidy. And her face is... OH MY SO TERRIBLE. It's like "sexy vampire" Halloween makeup.
Kate Hudson: very striking and a bit 70s. I really like it, but I wish she'd done an updo instead of swishing her hair all over that cool neckline. The clean face was a really smart idea.

I hope she didn't pay someone to do that to her
pretty face: Kaley Cuoco
Bringing the drrrraaama but afraid of an updo:
Kate Hudson

Nicole Richie: I really like this dress, it's so striking and she's young and pretty enough to pull it off without looking frumpy or old, but it's definitely one that could easily turn up on either best or worst dressed lists. I lie the powder blue colour, but I can't forgive the matching blue metallic eye make up - a terrible choice.
Rosario Dawson: LOVE the colour, almost love the shape except that the fit is bad round her middle which makes her look pregnant, and the shape of the straps makes her look like her shoulders are bursting out of cap sleeves. Like the Hulk. Rosario Dawson is the Hulk. You heard it here first.

A long tall drink of water that doesn't fit
properly: Rosario Dawson
Don't look too closely at her eyelids in case they're
really a time machine to the 80s: Nicole Richie

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